Typical gay sauna scene right? And then my friend did the best thing ever, he just looked over and said, “Wait, are you all gay?” And everyone laughed. Another guy was touching the leg of a different guy.
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On this night, me and my friend found a small group in the sauna. And of course there’s the fun spa stuff like hot tubs and pools and saunas and steam rooms (just to open up your pores and relax). I mean bad porn is playing on every TV, there’s a dungeon, a random barrel or two (seriously what’s with the barrels?!) and men (if present) creeping around running into the same people over and over until they find something they think is to their liking.
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Now bathhouses are hilarious, especially when they’re empty. So for the first 15 minutes or so, literally we just walked around the place in our towels and were expecting so many displays of debauchery….but alas it was a Sunday night and the place was pretty much empty. And neither of us really wanted to do anything, but we were just very very curious of what actually went on. Now we kinda went as a joke, Both of us had seen each other naked so there were no qualms there. I just said, “Hey have you ever been to a bathhouse?” and my friend responded, “Nope,” and I said,”Would you like to?” and he said, “Sure!” (amazing story right?) The first time I went to a bathhouse was with a very close friend of mine after a night of (heavy) drinking. Yup, I’d be considered one of the dirty bathhouse goers in four different countries, and you know what? I’m not ashamed. And so far I’ve had quite a lot of fun, all over the world, in four different countries to be exact. All in this year actually, I decided I’d be brave enough to go out and try it, just for fun. These readers know what I’m talking about.So I’ve been to bathhouses. And it’s a valuable rite of passage, even when you’re screaming obscenities into a payphone like a complete moron.
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It is 3-10 weeks of pure peer pressure, made from concentrate. You get to shed your overbearing parents and liberate the dipshit teen within. My oldest kid hasn’t gone to sleepaway camp yet for various reasons, and I have implored my wife to send her for at least one summer because (A) I want these kids out of the house, and (B) as one of my friends said about his kid at camp, “I know they’ll come back a different person than when they left.” Summer camp is an indelible experience for so many kids because it represents the first time they’re really, truly out on their own. Then again, I’m not sure why we did anything.
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I’m not quite sure why we ran from, you know, a phone call. And whenever a real person answered the phone, we would scream I’M A MOTHERFUCKER WITH A BUFFALO BUTT, hang up the phone, and then run away. So, at night, we snuck down to the phone and started dialing random 1-800 numbers, hoping to either get a live operator or a live girl at the other end of the line. I don’t remember playing any soccer whatsoever at that camp, but I very much DO remember the camp was at a boarding school, and that we got to stay in the dorms all week, and that the dorm had a pay phone that was the only phone in the whole joint. My most vivid memories of summer camp all feature me being a teenage shithead.